


love you are foolish, you're tired

by EmotionalSupportPuma



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Claustrophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:53:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24444640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmotionalSupportPuma/pseuds/EmotionalSupportPuma
Summary: Nightmares plague them both, but tonight Athena does her best to help alleviate them.
Relationships: Athena/Janey Springs
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	love you are foolish, you're tired

**Author's Note:**

> title is a lyric from the song lighthouse by the hush sound

Night is the worst time of the day, for more reasons than one.

The sky darkens and out creeps the sneaking, impenetrable fog to choke away all of the recovery she has worked towards. She isn't scared of the dark, per se, but she is infinitely familiar with the horrors that make their home within the night. A nightmare can never be afraid of its origin, but it can know to be wary of others like it. This is something Athena has mulled over on more than one occasion. 

It was night when it happened; when she killed her sister. In a way, a guiltily comforting way, Athena died alongside her that night. The person she has become is nothing like the person she could have been. She doesn't bother thinking down pointless rabbit holes like that (who  _ would _ I have been had things been different?), but still she can recognize the truth in that thinking. It's another reason that Athena doesn't feel she deserves any of the good that's found its way into her life recently. What has this version of her done to receive such a gift? Nothing, except bring more pain into the world.

At least, that is the thought that haunts her mind, always there on the nights that sleep eludes her like a rabbit avoiding the fox. She can count the number of times she's gotten a full nights sleep since then on one hand. The steps that Athena's made towards recovery are huge, but the steps  _ back _ are nearly as frequent. It's frustrating in a way that she can't put into words without others patronizing her. Yes, she  _ knows _ that progress isn't linear. Yes, she  _ knows _ what she has been through might never truly leave the recesses of her mind. But Athena hates the way it permeates her life.

When a gun goes off, and oh how frequently they do on Pandora, her instinct is to shove Janey into cover and pull out a weapon. When something crashes outside their measly home Athena tenses like a bowstring pulled far too taut. The smallest of statements from anyone can sound too similar to General Knoxx, too similar to Jack, too similar to Lilith (she doesn't blame Lilith for kidnapping her, she could see herself doing the same if someone else helped get Janey killed, but the damage remains in her mind). Everything around her is ripe with reminders of the trouble Athena has endured or inflicted in her life. When she woke up the paranoia was there, when she went to bed it was there. Recovery didn't lessen its hold.

Tonight sleep refused to show itself, but that was really no surprise by this point. What does surprise Athena as her spinning thoughts allow her back into the present is the fact that she is alone in the bed. The covers on Janey's side are twisted around haphazardly, but definitely empty in their chaos. For a moment the paranoia takes hold and the only thing she can think of is the possibility that someone has stolen the sunlight from her life. It's a ridiculous notion, nobody could get into their apartment without alerting Athena to the intrusion. They need no security system as long as there's a tightly-wound ex-assassin under their roof. 

But Janey is no intruder, and so, there are occasions when she can slip passed her fiancee's guard. This too is something that they've worked towards step-by-step, to trust someone enough to not suspiciously monitor their every move. It came far more naturally to her than the recovery has. Athena stayed where she was for a few moments and listened to the still air. Her senses still felt dulled and far away from her, flickering away from her grasp like minnows in a pond. When she disassociated they could stray too far, difficult to realign with her body when she came back to the world once more. 

Her hearing returned and the room was silent, save for her own skipping heartbeats. Nothing could touch Janey so long as Athena was there, but when she left the apartment alone? There were too many dangers on a planet like Pandora.

When Athena suffered the most from her nightmares, she left to kill something. It was a habit born from her time with Atlas that she could never quite seem to shake. But then again, most of Athena's nightmares left her feeling vulnerable and broken, so it was only right that she go prove she  _ wasn't _ . Janey's nightmares are born from one terrible, horrific event. Because of what she witnessed when trapped, because of such a near death experience, her girlfriend woke up from them with crippling claustrophobia. Athena had once tried to hold her back from a panicked flight afterwards and received a black eye for her trouble (not intentionally of course, but her girlfriend was all lanky appendages that can flail quite far when their owner isn't of sound enough mind to control them).

She knows that as surely as Athena wakes from her nightmares needing to kill, Janey wakes from her nightmares needing to get outside. The logic behind this is sound to her, but it does not change the anxiety that gnaws away at her insides. Or the wish that Janey would just stay inside the apartment where Athena can invariably protect her. It's a ridiculously possessive train of thought, but it nags at her brain on nights like these whether she likes it or not. And she hasn't recovered enough to like being possessive over much of anything, let alone another living person.

The rest of the small apartment is void of living things, despite the lived-in clutter that decorates every surface. Janey never outgrew her work as a junker and continued to struggle with letting go of...well, anything. Secretly Athena didn't mind all that much, rather liking any reminder that this cozy life was real and her fiancee was too. To nobody's surprise, she found Janey out in the yard leaning against the chain link fence that surrounded the various buildings of their street. Athena had been shocked to find their apartment complex had a yard at all when they'd first moved there.

Her fiancee looked different under the pale lighting of Elpis. When they'd first moved planetside Athena noticed the difference, the poetic side of her, hidden deep within where nobody could ever see it, wondering if perhaps the moonlight looked different without Janey there. She'd tried to say that to Janey once, but fumbled the words as soon as that undivided attention fell on her. Janey had laughed, perhaps thinking it as one of Athena's many failed jokes rather than an attempt at romanticism, saying that things might seem different because of how long she'd been on Elpis. Athena had nodded seriously and didn't voice the truth: even a place as shitty as Pandora could be brightened simply by the presence of Janey Springs. 

But tonight there is little about the scene that strikes her as romantic. The air outside is freezing, bringing a chill from distant mountains that would otherwise burn away under the hot Pandoran sun. She could see the way Janey's body shakes with every gust of wind, can easily imagine the way her teeth chatter stubbornly as she stands there. There must be better places to live on Pandora, surely  _ somewhere _ where you don't burn to death during the day and freeze to death when night falls, but right now this is the best that they can afford. For the moment she unfurled the scarf around her neck (because, yeah, most of the time she slept with it on. It was comforting, sue her).

Janey startled when she wrapped it around her, jumping like a rabbit. The way her eyelids hung heavy betrayed how bad the nightmares had been tonight. Her dark eyes seemed all the more abyss-like in their desolation. Oh how Athena wished the carefully crafted sentences in her mind could just  _ once _ find their way to her tongue without fracturing a dozen times. There her fiancee was, looking as though the world around her would never heal right, needing someone to help lessen the pain. Athena could be there physically, but there was a wall that separated them still. 

"It's cold out." She said simply.

"S'all right." 

Brown eyes trailed to the side and unfocused as soon as the silence settled between them. It was definitely one of the bad nights. Athena watched her own hand shake in the cold air for a second before threading their fingers together. In an instant Janey seemed far more grounded, leaning against her far shorter fiancee like her life depended on it. The warmth of her presence seeped into Athena's consciousness and helped to shake the clinging tendrils of her own nightmares. At least hers  were standard enough lately that they could be filed away while Janey needed her. 

She cleared her throat and tried again, "You'll get sick if you stay out in this cold for too long."

"I can't go back inside right now."

The words are dead-soft, the kind of noise from a stubborn, old machine that has long-since been broken and doesn't have much struggle left in it. They cut her to the bone and for a moment Athena hadn't the slightest idea of how to respond. She isn't about to  _ force _ Janey inside, but the idea of leaving her out here to freeze is equally unpleasant. Solving problems that don't require fighting or violence had never been her strong suit. But she had grown better at it over time, certainly not being one to quit just because something doesn't come easily to her. 

"Can I bring you something?"

She doesn't elaborate, the words freeze in her throat before they can be expanded upon, but it's an effort. The open questions and statements aren't new for them. Athena's mouth has never contained enough breath to string out a complicated, elaborate sentence. Not like her mind. Even the things she  _ can _ explain are rarely enough for a stranger to understand correctly. But Janey knew her well and could read the underlying meaning:  _ can I bring you warmer clothes or a blanket, anything so that you don't die of hypothermia out here? _ Her fiancee nodded, one quick ducking of her chin. So different from the usual overly enthusiastic gestures.

Athena disappeared back into the apartment and returned with two blankets; something thinner to drape over her own shoulders without hindering her movement and a thick comforter for Janey to be engulfed in. Finding blankets to cover that lanky frame had been more difficult than someone as short as herself imagined, oddly enough. It's something the old Athena, the one who would take any terribly violent job she could to survive, wouldn't have found amusing. Another reason for her to show this gratitude to Janey. What kind of person would she be today, if there hadn't been a  _ reason _ to try and change? That isn't a pleasant thought to ponder, especially not at the moment.

"-ank you." The reply was muffled by thick cloth.

Athena's heart twisted, equal parts affection and pain. It wasn't just a monster like her that hated the night, hated it's controlling grip over their minds. They had both lived through their trauma and what good had it done? With this thought in mind, Athena was struck with a sudden resolve, burning deep within. If she never managed another step forward despite this then so be it, but  _ tonight _ . Tonight she was going to make an effort. 

"I had a nightmare." She began softly, swallowing unhappily as the words already felt wrong, "Not one of the bad ones. The ones about…"

From within the cocooned blanket, Janey leaned against her. Silent, but there. 

Athena cleared her throat, "Tonight it was about Sanctuary. The guns trained on me, the anger. I deserved it."

This much she knew to be the truth. Athena hadn't taken that forsaken job with the intention of putting a genocidal maniac in power, but that had been the end result. There were days that Janey tried to console her; pointing out that without that job she could have starved to death, or the fact that Athena had been the one to walk away while all the others stayed by Jack's side. But she could understand where Lilith was coming from. Athena helped Jack, Jack killed many innocent people. Some crimes couldn't be ignored, even if they hadn't been understood at the time. The nightmares served as a glaring reminder that Athena was the sister who should have died all those years ago.

"But when it happened all I could think about was you, Janey. It's all I thought about tonight. That I would die and leave you alone again." 

After a moment Janey spoke up, "You're still here."

"I am." She agreed with a stiff nod, "I'd have cut them all down if it meant staying alive for you, no matter the consequences."

This time there was no reply. Athena wondered absently about just where her fiancee's thoughts had taken her. Was it "I believe you", because she understood that there were no morals that could stand in the way of Athena's affection? Or was it "I don't believe you", because she knew how soft this ex-assassin had grown from loving someone who just wanted to help the world? Even  _ she  _ wasn't completely sure what the truth was. Athena knew she'd pay for her wrongdoings eventually and had accepted that long ago. But...she'd do anything to keep Janey from suffering another heartbreak like that. It was so hard to tell, now that fate's knife no longer sat upon her throat.

"Do you…" Athena fought off the tightening of her throat, "Do you want to talk about it? Or be distracted?"

"Distracted."

There was a pause, before Janey spoke again.

"No, wait- I should talk about it."

She frowned, "Only if you want to."

"I need to." Janey's voice wobbled, "Been meaning to get this out for awhile, hon. I'm sorry about telling you to stop Vault Hunting." 

"You don't ha-"

She was cut off quickly, "Yes, I do have to apologize. Athena it's not right of me to control you like that, no matter my intentions."

"But I understand them." Athena murmured, "The jobs I take are dangerous and if...if you lose me…"

"Yeah, if I lose you it would kill me, but that's no excuse."

When Janey looked over, her dark eyes were shadowed and haunted. This was a discussion that had to happen at some point, but that didn't make any of it easy. Janey's possessiveness was rooted in the horror of witnessing somebody she had loved being mauled to death. Of being there,  _ right there _ , and unable to do anything as she lay dying herself. It didn't excuse the behavior, but Athena could see plainly that it was compulsive by this point. Janey couldn't help it any more than Athena could help her need to destroy Atlas. Neither of them was a saint in this relationship. So, she just willed the strength to speak forward, pleading internally for it to last just a bit longer.

"I'm sorry that I have to do these jobs. That I have to kill."

Janey let out a broken laugh, "What a pair we make, huh?"

"No worse than anybody else on this planet." She pointed out.

Her fiancee tilted her head as she conceded to that thought and Athena placed a brief kiss along her temple as she did so. There was no easy fix to either of their minds, but they'd come too far together  _ not _ to work towards that goal. She liked to think, at the very least, progress had been made even before tonight. Janey moved from Elpis to a place arguably more dangerous. Athena...well, she'd learned how to go longer in between her violent jobs without completely shutting down emotionally. It was a start. She wondered if her fiancee could see the same, or if her mind was too low for that tonight. 

"I love you." Athena murmured, resting her head on Janey's shoulder.

"Love you too, hon." 

Night was the worst time of day for more reasons than one, but on this particular night, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> hey it's me, back at it again projecting my own relationship experiences on a ship that reminds me of that. which is to say, i have severe PTSD and while my girlfriend doesn't, she does have frequent nonverbal episodes. the "talk about it or be distracted" question is one that gets used a lot when one of us is trying to support the other. also im tryin to fix the reasoning behind why Jathena acted the way they did in tales cause gearbox sure doesnt know how to write a healthy fuckin relationship.
> 
> anyways, if you'd like to see my writing before its uploaded here or just my shitposts, my borderlands tumblr is tannithvibes! as always i hope y'all have a wonderful day/night!!


End file.
